There's a great Louis CK scene in his show 'Louie' where he and his playdate mom (both lone parents) joke about shitty things they've thought about doing to their kids, whilst they play next door. Louie confesses that he plans to kill himself when they're 18, when he stops being 'daddy', and becomes a regular guy. It's actually an insanely funny episode. .. 'So Old/Playdate', check it out.
When I separated from my wife last year, I kinda thought, well, I'll give it til July 2013, when I'm no longer officially a 'stay at home dad' and I'm forced into yet another shitty dead end job or workfare, then I'll just end it. I mean, I've painted hundreds of pictures, recorded dozens of songs and had two pretty cool kids. I've been to Uni, exhibited abroad and played at a music festival a few times. I have pretty much done what I came here to do. I'm 41 years old and am through taking orders from petty DSS staff and dreadful employers. I mean, the decision seemed utterly logical, right ? I don't think we are meant to serve out our time in subservient, abject misery, and as a drain on resources. I must stress this is a logic thing, not a cry for sympathy or guidance. I just like the concept. I've even discussed it with a therapist who was partly convinced.
This macabre thought got me through much of the past 16 months, and today is the supposed to be the last day. Hmmm. It's not really going to plan though. My boys obviously still need me alive, and I quite like my current trajectory as an artist. I have a girlfriend who is amazing and a roof over my head in a largely peaceful and prosperous country.
So yeah, it looks like things are on hold. I do like Louies idea though, maybe my timing is just wrong.
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