My Last Day on Earth ?

There's a great Louis CK scene in his show 'Louie' where he and his playdate mom (both lone parents) joke about shitty things they've thought about doing to their kids, whilst they play next door.  Louie confesses that he plans to kill himself when they're 18, when he stops being 'daddy', and becomes a regular guy. It's actually an insanely funny episode. .. 'So Old/Playdate', check it out.

When I separated from my wife last year, I kinda thought, well, I'll give it til July 2013, when I'm no longer officially a 'stay at home dad' and I'm forced into yet another shitty dead end job or workfare, then I'll just end it. I mean, I've painted hundreds of pictures, recorded dozens of songs and had two pretty cool kids. I've been to Uni, exhibited abroad and played at a music festival a few times. I have pretty much done what I came here to do. I'm 41 years old and am through taking orders from petty DSS staff and dreadful employers. I mean, the decision seemed utterly logical, right ? I don't think we are meant to serve out our time in subservient, abject misery, and as a drain on resources. I must stress this is a logic thing, not a cry for sympathy or guidance. I just like the concept. I've even discussed it with a therapist who was partly convinced.

This macabre thought got me through much of the past 16 months, and today is the supposed to be the last day. Hmmm. It's not really going to plan though. My boys obviously still need me alive, and I quite like my current trajectory as an artist. I have a girlfriend who is amazing and a roof over my head in a largely peaceful and prosperous country.

So yeah, it looks like things are on hold. I do like Louies idea though, maybe my timing is just wrong.

From the beginning

At this stage in my life I define myself by two things, being a dad and being an artist. I've always had some kind of drawing implement in my hand, right from the early days. My boys (5 and 7) seem no different, they love drawing and painting and its beautiful to see. Their mum and I split up last year, but yeah, life goes on. I'm there for my lads every morning, evening, holiday and the rest. I love them to bits, those crazy wee men.

 


 Life hasn't always been like this. I was happily married to my boys mam, for seven years or so. I stayed home and looked after my lads, it was a crazy time, and a time I'll always be thankful for. I've worked MANY jobs and being a full time parent tops them all in terms of how DAMN SCARY, hard and full on it is.

 So yeah, finding myself alone, in a new place, joint access to the boys and a CV about as effective as saying 'Lost at sea', I've found myself returning to my passion of painting. I'd been to art college years back and all that gumpf, and despite this I still love to push pigment around canvas. Haha, yes, Fine Art degrees are great primers for navel gazing in-between shifts at Starbucks. Aye, so bollocks to that. The dreaded axe of JSA loomed and with nowt to lose, it was time to paint my way to freedom, hmmm, or at least to the next top up on my electricity key card.

Ok, I admit, the plan is ongoing, the income is intermittent (but its THERE), I'm precariously skint and in danger of death but fuck it. It became worth it the first time I heard my youngest tell his teacher his dad was an artist. I even managed to buy him a few birthday presents (weep). I was asked to do a talk at school, and I got some studio space, yay. Despite the positives, life remains tricky. Going through a divorce, navigating those emotional waters, is a constant woe. There has been bereavement, and times of real sadness and uncertainty. Things could be so much harder though. People could stop buying. The lights could go out. The drones could strike, my wife's solicitors could call a hit.  Yeah, so really, I'm not complaining. I have a lady friend who despite living 200 miles away, supports and loves the stuff I do. And of course I have the dudes. And they just ROCK.

Find me on twitter too...https://twitter.com/LoneDadPainting
me n dude the younger