It's okay...

'It's okay, life doesn't have to be be perfect, it just has to be lived'.

Or so said fictional serial killer, Dexter. Sorry Confucius old boy, but Dexter wins my life quote of the week. It's crazy but that quote has stayed with me for a few years now. In my art, in my life with the kids and in my relationships, it kind of holds true. I used to be a real perfectionist in my art, and would become enraged and destructive when something wasn't fitting the picture I had in my head (sound familiar?) I've wiped or screwed up plenty of paintings and drawings believe me. And here's the thing, I still do get it wrong, I still do fail to reach the level I strive for...everyday. But, I realise that it doesn't have to be perfect, that every painting, every decision, every argument with my ex, every sleepless night worrying about my kids is all part of the ragged imperfection of life. 


A shift

 So, whilst we worry about our small neurosis' and the minutia of daily life, we have the widescreen horror of Syria being played out just a few longitudinal clicks away. Me, I sit and paint bananas and worry about my youngest boys sadness at his first week of new school. Something just doesn't sit quite right and I start to admonish myself. The micro and the macro worlds are jarring and I feel like Stephen Hawking mulling over the unified theory, but with the intellectual disposition of a rubber plant. I remember what my girlfriend said about ripples. No, not the confection, the idea of the effect we can have on people by our actions, and consequently the world. She works in an alcohol and drug agency as a therapist. The Swan project in Bristol. She and her colleagues work with some of the most vulnerable members of society. The effect is simple. They step into people's lives and try and offer hope, both practically and emotionally. Every one of the tormented souls are living their own personal Syria. At 41 I've witnessed plenty of friends and family members fighting some of the same demons. It sucks. But these individuals are living life, very imperfect lives and if we are honest we probably recognise that we all sail pretty close to the storm sometimes, and it would be all to easy to capsize. It humbles me looking at the work they do at Swan, often for very little money...the antithesis of much that we see in the present political climate. There is real humanity and love still in the world it seems. It just happens to be a small light in a vast ocean of dark.

My small effort 

 For my part, and I feel a bit conflicted mentioning this here, I'm donating 20% of what I sell online during September to the project. This isn't a strategy to drive sales ( that 20% is sometimes my only profit) nor is it a completely altruistic gesture. The Swan have been kind enough to display my pics for sale on their premises. It's just what it is. My small drop, in a vast ocean, a tiny ripple that will quickly die away.  Thing is, enough tiny ripples can make mighty waves. 

'The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials'- Confucius

Buy my stuff here-
http://www.dailypaintworks.com/Account/MyAuctions
https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/ArtbyAWM

My Last Day on Earth ?

There's a great Louis CK scene in his show 'Louie' where he and his playdate mom (both lone parents) joke about shitty things they've thought about doing to their kids, whilst they play next door.  Louie confesses that he plans to kill himself when they're 18, when he stops being 'daddy', and becomes a regular guy. It's actually an insanely funny episode. .. 'So Old/Playdate', check it out.

When I separated from my wife last year, I kinda thought, well, I'll give it til July 2013, when I'm no longer officially a 'stay at home dad' and I'm forced into yet another shitty dead end job or workfare, then I'll just end it. I mean, I've painted hundreds of pictures, recorded dozens of songs and had two pretty cool kids. I've been to Uni, exhibited abroad and played at a music festival a few times. I have pretty much done what I came here to do. I'm 41 years old and am through taking orders from petty DSS staff and dreadful employers. I mean, the decision seemed utterly logical, right ? I don't think we are meant to serve out our time in subservient, abject misery, and as a drain on resources. I must stress this is a logic thing, not a cry for sympathy or guidance. I just like the concept. I've even discussed it with a therapist who was partly convinced.

This macabre thought got me through much of the past 16 months, and today is the supposed to be the last day. Hmmm. It's not really going to plan though. My boys obviously still need me alive, and I quite like my current trajectory as an artist. I have a girlfriend who is amazing and a roof over my head in a largely peaceful and prosperous country.

So yeah, it looks like things are on hold. I do like Louies idea though, maybe my timing is just wrong.